Posted in Seek Peace and Pursue it

Fixing Myself

I do not like displaying weaknesses.  In fact, I prefer to be like a Jedi Knight “there are no weaknesses here, move on”.  I then seem to be continuously surprised by my inability to “fix” myself.

And it is to this – fixing myself – that God seems keen on bringing up over and over.  (Apparently because I don’t seem to “get” this lesson for very long).

I recently read an article that may have changed my life forever.  Unfortunately, it has a terrible title and a lot of swearing in it, but it so resonated with me, that I must share.

“The cultural message is strong.  It took 30 years for me to stop letting it dictate my behavior.  (I don’t “diet” anymore), and I honestly didn’t realize that I’d lost something significant: the ability to just eat food, without qualifying every choice, and without treating every meal as an opportunity to ‘fix’ myself.”

I do this.  I qualify every single food choice I make.

Every. Single. One.

I treat every meal as an opportunity to “fix myself“.  A ritual that happens 3-4 times a day, every single day of my life.  A ritual where the scoring system means that 3 victories and 1 failure equals a big fat F for the day, if not the week.

Even when I find myself musing on this, I do it with the expectation that maybe if I become self aware of this pattern, that God will come fix me and it will be over with forever.

But God does not fix us either.  He remakes us.  To fix is to repair or mend.  But to remake is to make anew.  It’s the difference between getting a sown up, worn out, and faded old doll versus and a brand new one!  Subtle difference between the words, but it changes everything.    Everything.

What God remakes us into isn’t always what we wanted, imagined, or what looks “perfect” in the eyes of the world.  But know that it is good, because He is good.

One of the scriptures that I have meditated on now for a good few years is from 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:

““My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 

When I am strong, I have a tendency to forget how much I need God. When I am weak, I more readily realize how utterly dependent I am upon God. But it is only when I realize my dependence on Him that He is able to move in my life in POWER.  It is only then, that I am at PEACE.

“Seek peace and pursue it” – Psalm 34:14b

(I didn’t want to cite the quote, because it really has a terrible title, but I had the citation rules so fervently drilled into me, that I must.  “Everything I f****ed up while trying to eat like Gwyneth for a week” by Lindy West.  There, I typed the title.)

2 thoughts on “Fixing Myself

  1. A couple of your recent posts have described just what God’s been ushering me through for the last couple of years. We really should have lunch, do you think?

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