Today would have been her due date, July 27, 2012.
On Thanksgiving Day 2011 I found out I was pregnant. By Monday morning I knew something was seriously wrong. My husband held me as he told me that we were not going to cry, we still had a baby today, we would pray and trust God. That night as I laid in bed watching T.V. I placed my hand on my stomach – I was still a mommy, if even just for one night.
I decided then and there that I was going to trust God. I was not going to question why. I had some horrible events occur the previous Spring, and I drove myself mad trying to figure out “why” they had happened, desperately trying to see the logic in a situation that had no logic. I was not going to do that again.
Sometimes it just is and we don’t get to know why. That’s what makes it trust.
I faithfully prayed every day, proclaiming Ezekiel 37 over her every morning and every night (see below). But God had other plans, and a week before Christmas I learned that there was nothing more they could do, she had stopped growing. All I could do was choose to repeat the words of Job over and over:
“shall one accept good from the Lord and not bad?”
“He gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord’, then he fell down and worshipped God. In all this he did not sin.”
I will choose to bless Him in the good and the bad. I will choose to fall down and worship. There can be no other way for me.
And through all this, I was at PEACE. We named her Mariah Grace, which means “Beloved Grace”.
Fast forward a month. I was in a very difficult situation at work. I put up with it because they let me work 32 hours. Translation: 52 more days per year with my kids. I knew that this was not common at my pay-scale, so I put my chin down and endured. But after Mariah, I started thinking, is this what I would want for her? Is this how I would have raised her? Would I want my daughter to stay in a similar situation? Did my own parents raise me to live like this? No! I was raised to be strong, to be courageous, to treat myself and others with respect.
A month later a new job literally fell into my lap. There was no doubting that this was God’s provision for me. Too many things had fallen into place, including a raise, and their agreement to match my schedule. I leapt without thinking twice.
Around the same time I found out I was pregnant again! My baby girl is due in October.
Mariah may be gone from this life, but she left me two beautiful gifts. One was the courage to leave my last job and embrace a new job (which I love!) The second was my current pregnancy. It still pains me to think about the loss of Mariah, but I know she is in a better place, being loved how she was meant to be loved. That is grace.
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God didn’t answer my prayer how I asked…but He still breathed new life into me, within me. For that, I am grateful.
The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”
4 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath[a] enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord. ’”
7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.
9 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
11 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.